I'm alive...kind of.

I don't know, things haven't been going so well lately. Artistic-wise, especially. I've been so depressed lately in my classes that I've seriously considered just dropping out this semester and taking a break, figuring out what I'm trying to do, clear my head. I have to get out of here. Really badly. My therapist agrees it might be a good idea, but I know if I suggested it to my parents they'd blow a gasket and my dad would go on and on: "You can't quit school! Do you want to work at Wegman's for the rest of your life?! Don't you want to make money?!"

But I just can't take it here anymore.


This semester has been terrible. I've stopped hanging out with my friends, spend most of my free time playing WoW, and frankly, I'm apathetic about it. I think I'm getting depressed again, but I'm not sure. I mean, back when I was really, really depressed, it hurt all the time. Now it's just...I feel so badly about myself so often, but it's not like before. I'm so angry at myself and I'm tired of it. I just want to get out of here.


I feel like an artistic failure, constantly. CONSTANTLY. I go to school with so many talented people, superior to me in every way, artistically. And it's not even like you can privately fail, you have to do it in front of your entire class. And it just gets so god damn draining, and I'm not a strong person, I can't take it. I know it happens to art students all the time, but my self confidence, if I have any to begin with, is down through the floor.

I'm struggling with it so much I just don't even bother anymore. Part of it is my own laziness and bad habits that I developed over my college career, but I put off my work until it's a major stress factor. It got so bad I had to cancel my WoW account just to force myself to focus on school more, but it's hard to spend so much time and energy on something you suck at. I'm so demoralized at this point I don't know if I can get back on my feet anytime soon.

So yeah. I don't know. If I could quit art for good and be happy and not miss it, at this point I'd gladly do so.

Why couldn't I have fallen in love with science, or math, or something you can definitely succeed in with hard work? With art, there's no guarantee, and I just need a break.

I hate this.